Put The Fruitcake Down, Stand Back, And No One Will Get Hurt

It’s Christmas time, fa la la la la. Pass the eggnog, but only if made with fake egg yokes, fat-free half and half, and Stevia raw sugar extract. Keep the brandy coming, tho guys. It’s going to be a tough season.
I write this because the lone fruitcake that has been circling around the globe for the past thirty plus years has gone missing. Unless someone ate it. Wait a minute! That can’t be. Fruitcake is the scourge of the holiday, the odd-man out, the little guy everyone likes to make fun of. I have it on personal authority that many a fruitcake has gone to bed sobbing each night at this sort of treatment. Fortunately, those tears are what keep it from drying out. Truly.
I say, wake up, America! We are losing one of our natural resources! Fruitcakes are an endangered species! I mean, when was the last time anybody served a fruitcake at a holiday party? And with pride?
I used to make fruitcakes all the time. It takes weeks. Then you store them soaked in booze for months. I started mine in early October. They were delicious. Everyone loved them. Truly.
Then I don’t know what happened. It’s always the little things at first that set the pattern.
“No, thank you, I’m trying to watch my weight.” Said after devouring five chocolate chip cookies.
“No thank you, I don’t drink.” Come on now! Something soaked in six or seven cups of brandy just heighten the experience! Truly.
“I’ve never really liked fruitcake,” said one friend. She has since been written off my gift list. I knew from the first, tho, this comment was the death knell of the holiday fruitcake.
I don’t bake fruitcake any more. A lot of work and it’s an ungrateful world out there. Now I order them online from Harry and David’s. And when I eat them, I wait until everyone has gone to bed then sneak out, and hide in the back of my larder. These fruitcakes are fabulous, a lot like mine, but not quite as much brandy. That’s okay. You can’t have everything.
Happy Holidays!


  1. Love you guys and thank you for commenting on the fruitcake blog. I make terrific fruitcake, but haven't for years, as it is very labor intensive!

  2. It's been quite awhile since I've had some fruitcake. I like the ones that are loaded with nuts and not as much fruit.

  3. What an appropriate place to sing the praises of fruitcake! Where better than a Muser's blog? Because all of us are fruitcakes! And proud of it!

  4. Heather, you've made your own fruitcakes? Amazing!

    I really like a slice of fruitcake now and then, even without the brandy – as long as it's not the one you pushed under the bed after receiving it LAST year!

  5. I haven't had fruitcake in a coon's age! Maybe I'll make one next year. I have a great recipe for one with candied pineapple and macadamia nuts. Carlajo

  6. I loved this blog. Very entertaining. The pic is a hoot too. I confess I'm a fruitcake hater, but only because no one has ever given me one soaked in Brandy lol. That has possibilities.

  7. Truly, I love fruitcake! I am one, so it seems logical enough. As for H&D, they make great stuff, but there's really nothing quite like a homemade fruitcake by someone who knows how to do it right. Truly!

  8. Tanja, great idea. I love the idea of regifting them after adding your own personal touch.
    Ginger, forget the rum. Too Pirates of the Caribbean. It should be brandy, sweetie, and buckets of it. Santa, in particular, loves the brandy-soaked fruitcake. Truly.

  9. You're a nut…that's why I love you. I've always avoided fruitcake like the plague…except for Harry and David's…now those guys know how to make a fruitcake.

    The last thing that comes to my mind at Christmas is fruitcakes, except when I use that term to describe an offensive seasonal shopper. Yet, thinking back to my behavior prior to H&D, I feel so guilty at being someone who caused the tears of those little fruit and nut-filled, booze-soaked cakes, but what's a person to do if they detest those glazed fruit bits and really don't like the taste of rum?

    Since these crap-tasting cakes are nearing extinction, perhaps that's a positive thing. Too many bad recipes mixed in with the good, and anything endangered usually becomes illegal to house or own, so maybe the world will be absolved of one more problem. Think?

  10. Oh but you CAN have everything! Buy the fruitcake one week in advance; turn it upside down; souse it with brandy… tralala! I loved this blog. I usually get a couple of them from friends-who-bake. The solution is to cut them up, combine them with chopped nuts and yes, more brandy, roll them into small balls, and shake in a screw-top jar filled with cocoa powder. Then, re-gift in a nice to-keep bowl from the $ / £ / € shop, covered in cellophane and decorated with a bow.

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